you haven’t felt so lonely, in a long time. have you? and it's clearly been a long time coming. you know that you can't live the way you do and not expect to ultimately hit that wall, don't you? somewhere in the deep corners of your mind, you've always known that.
but, lonely isn't quite the right word.
empty, maybe? hollow from the inside out.
people say you make one bad decision after the other. like running yourself into that same wall, over and over again, expecting different results. and didn't someone once tell you that was the definition of insanity? you guess that's one more thing you might be guilty of.
talking to people doesn’t help. Cause they don’t get it. how can they get it? cause talking is just another form of pretending. that you believe everything is going to be alright. talking is intellectualizing. and intellectualizing is impossible, because none of this really makes any sense at all.
it’s like wearing out your welcome, but instead, wearing out your friendships. you can't blame them for not understanding. how can they understand when everything is comprised of smoke and mirrors and half truths and hidden looks?
so you run away. to the other side of the bed, the other side of the country. of the bar room; of your mind.
you tell yourself the things you tell yourself to make yourself feel better. you tell yourself, you didn't mean to. you tell yourself that, no matter how good you think you’re doing, in context of how you feel, you still end up doing something wrong, or disappointing someone or neglecting to finish something that you honestly (no, really. and truly.) intended to do. as though this were all something happening to you, rather that something you've been doing to yourself. all along.
you put on aires, contingent on your audience. if they believe you're alright, it helps for a while. but only for a while. and you hate that you can't forget. or that it's all just one side of the same coin. two sides of the same person; it's all just pieces of you. the pieces you can't forget. you know this. and you know you can't hide forever.

the water cools, the leaves they fall, the sun it bends, the summer ends.